Freeze Time

I wish I could freeze time, in this moment that is just too good to be true. I wish I could live this day over and over again. I wish I could have everything, all the time. But I can't, because I can't be real with myself, because I can't be genuine with my friend.

I caught a glimpse of a woman's face as she stood in front of me. I peered into her eyes, and I saw that she was smiling as she looked at me with a look of pure joy. "She's the one I used to love, the one I still love, and the one who always walks with me. She's not there, but she's always there in the back of my mind, and I can trace her every word back to me."

"I don't know what she thinks of me," I said. "I don't know if she's a woman or not, or if she's a man. But she has always been there for me, and never has she been alone."

"I know she won't be," she said. "She's always with me."

"Ah, it's all right," I said. "What have I done? She's a lovely woman."

"I think I'm in love with her, and she's a lovely woman, too," she said. "But I don't like the thought of her ever leaving me."

I wish I could freeze time, in this moment that is just too good to be true. I wish I could live this day over and over again. I wish I could go back to my childhood again and breathe in the air of my childhood again and remember the nights that were when I was so young and see them all over again. I wish I could hide away, away from the world, from the world around me, and I would find myself on a lonely hillside somewhere. But these things are not so simple. I am not alone. I am not alone now.

They were standing over his body, by the shore.

"I am afraid I shall find no rest until I am dead," said Mrs. Sombler.

I wish I could freeze time, in this moment that is just too good to be true. I wish I could live this day over and over again. A week ago I was on the train to the hospital. I knew I was in trouble. I had never been in a car accident before, but I had to have a reason to avoid it. I looked all around me, and I saw the face of a young boy on the floor. I knew he was hungry, and I knew that he would be hungry for a while. I stood my ground and smiled at him.

"Look, kid," I said, "you better get a good bite of dinner."

Then, at last, he got his dinner. He was hungry enough by then, but he was in a bad way. He had a scar on his forehead and a broken nose, and he was cradling his baby when he was hit by a train and broke his arm. He had been at my house a few weeks before, and I had been lucky enough to be able to take him to the hospital, and he was there, well enough to give me a good look at it.

"He'll probably be all right," I said. "He'll be able to walk again, and he'll be glad to be home."

I wish I could freeze time, in this moment that is just too good to be true. I wish I could live this day over and over again. I wish I could forget, my life. But, I can't. If I do, it wouldn't have felt so real.

This is the story of a man who is far too different from the man I know. He is an odd man, and he is a man who is not.

The man was a mild-mannered, middle-aged man with a deep-set, pointed sallow face and a petite frame. His eyes were narrow, and his lips were pursed. He wore a gray wool-blazer, and a black rose-tinted hat. He was of fair stock, with a dark-colored face, dark dark eyes, and a sallow mustache. He had a long, crooked, black beard. He had a habit of staring straight ahead.

The man wore a thin, dirty coat, with the sleeves rolled up, and his trousers were shorter than he liked. He had a striped shirt and a dark blue velvet cardigan. He was rich, handsome and well-spoken. He had a reputation for his kindness. He was a man of even more sardonic disposition than he was of humor. He was a man with an iron will, and he must not be taken by surprise.

I wish I could freeze time, in this moment that is just too good to be true. I wish I could live this day over and over again. We've been exhausted through this whole exercise. We've been shaken up mentally. We've been, I think, shaken up physically. We've been hurt and we've been hurt physically. And we've been hurt spiritually.

I wish I could apologize to the people of the world who have been wounded in the fighting with which I've been engaged. We'll make amends in time.

I wish that I could give you the rest of my life, and then I'm not sure how much longer that will hold.

We were in love. I was in love. But I never loved him.

I love him and I love you.

I love you. And now, God willing, I'll give you to him forever, and he'll keep me from falling into the grave with the sins of my youth.

I wish I could freeze time, in this moment that is just too good to be true. I wish I could live this day over and over again. It would be a perfect ending to the story, too.

I have found, however, that it is not, and that the best time to stop is the first time. The story has carried me through several phases in my life, but yet I have found that when I stop, I find that I am not ready to stop. I have learned that I cannot, even in my own life, destroy my mind.

Even as I write this, I feel that I am drifting apart from my own mind. I find myself conscious of my thoughts, but they seem to me to originate in my place in the universe, as it were, in the center of it, and the place where they have originated, or come to rest, is in my own mind.

I have been in a state of mind in which my mind is never silent. It has done my imagination a service by giving me a little flavor of the world. I have been in a condition of mind which gives me a little light in which I can look into the world.

I wish I could freeze time, in this moment that is just too good to be true. I wish I could live this day over and over again. But I cannot.

"And yet," she said, "the life I lived, with those who loved me, seemed so much better than that life I've lived now. The world was a pauper's paradise, and I was a rich man, and I could take my chances. So I went to Rome, and I took a job, and I worked hard, and I made myself useful every day, until I was a rich man. And then I died, and I feel sick to think that I died in such a way that I destroyed my life, that I ruined my fortune. But I've never had a life that was so full of agony as this life I'm living today."

"How is that possible?"

"Well, you see, my life has been so full of pain that it has become a sort of joke. And now I wish to tell you that I know what I'm doing. I guess that I am going to die, but I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I know that I will die, but I wouldn't wish it on anybody. I can't imagine anything more painful than dying."

I wish I could freeze time, in this moment that is just too good to be true. I wish I could live this day over and over again. But you know what? I will never.

That's when she turned to me.

"I would like to thank you for your life," she said.

"I am sorry," I said. "I don't mean to be rude."

"I wish you well," she said. "I hope you will keep my name."

"That is not a question," I said. "I am counting on you."

"I would like to thank you, too," she said. "You had a great deal to do with it."

"You had a great deal to do, too," I said. "I'm sure it was worth it."

"That's a question," she said. "I think I'll ask you next time."

"I think I'll ask you again," I said. "This is a very interesting moment."

"Yes, it is," she said. "It's very interesting."

"You're right, my friend," I said. "It's a very interesting moment. But what's your point, anyway?"

I wish I could freeze time, in this moment that is just too good to be true. I wish I could live this day over and over again. But there's no way. There's no way I can do it.

It's time for the most important part of my life.

I'm going to a restaurant in our apartment where I will make my first date, and I will try to make it as comfortable as possible.

I'm going to the bar where I will go and lose myself in my drink.

I will go to the ballet. and I will go to the opera.

And I will at least try to make it through the night.

And maybe I will go to a dance, too.

But I will change my mind at the last minute: I will be at the opera on a Sunday.

And I will take a bath in a bathtub in my sister's room.

I will leave my house and come to this town on the train.

And then I will go to the opera on a Sunday morning, and I will think that I could have done it, had I been allowed to do it.

And I'll hang out with my friends in their coffeehouses at five o'clock on a Sunday morning.

And I'll buy a latte at the corner of Seventh and Broadway in this city.

And then I'll have my supper at home.

And I will sit down at the piano, and I will listen to a soprano.

I wish I could freeze time, in this moment that is just too good to be true. I wish I could live this day over and over again.

"That's it," I said. "You can't live it over and over again."

"No, no," he said. "But you could."

"That's right," I said. "You'll live it over and over again, and you'll enjoy it. And then you'll figure out some other way to live it over and over again."

"In other words," he said, "you'll always find something else to do to make your life interesting."

"It's a good thing, too," I said. "It helps to get us together."

"You always find something to do," he said. "You're always thinking about something."

"You're right," I said. "I'm really busy, and if I'm not thinking about it, I'm pretty sure it's not doing any good. So I'm going to try to think about it."

"What's your plan?" he asked.

"I'll go to the station," I said. "Find out what happened to the Inspector. You're going to have to work around the place to find him."

"I can't tell you what to do," he said. "All I know is that he's a very good informer."

I wish I could freeze time, in this moment that is just too good to be true. I wish I could live this day over and over again.

No, that is not the kind of answer I want to give. The kind of answer I want is one that will be easy for me to understand, and that will be comforting to me.

He opens his mouth, and he says:

He who has a heart is a believer.

I take my hat off to him.

He goes on:

"He who has a brain is a fool."

I always thought that words were just a sound, but this is the first time I have ever seen him get it right with a word.

"The dumb ones have no heart, and the smart ones have brains."

He gives it a very thorough examination.

"The stupid ones have no brains, and the smart ones have hearts."

He never fails to turn his eyes upon me, and he looks down upon me with an intensity that is almost frightening.

"The stupid ones are always going hungry, and the smart ones always drink coffee. And I think I am the dumbest person here.

I think I am the dumbest person ever to live here.

I think I am the dumbest person ever to look at this place.

It was all over then, and it was all gone.

I guess I had a bad mind.

I wish I could freeze time, in this moment that is just too good to be true. I wish I could live this day over and over again. I wish I could turn the light on and off for hours, to see it from every angle, to see it from every angle. I wish I could make it the day of my life. I wish I could sink my teeth into it all night long. But that's just not me. I don't want to sink my teeth into it.

But I cannot. I want to wake up with this darkness in my soul.

It is afternoon, and I am sitting in the car with my sister in the back seat. I am listening to the radio as I drive. I felt it might be time to change the channel.

"Are you listening, sister?"

"I guess not."

"The same thing," she says. "My brother's fighting a long war, and I know how much of a burden it is for you to carry a load for him. But I am afraid you won't be able to bear it forever."

"I'll take my chance," I say. "I'm not going to have this burden for long."

"Well, then, it'll be an honor to take this burden off," she says. "You'll have some time to rest, sister. I'll be very careful with you when you get home."

"I'll take care of that," I say.

I wish I could freeze time, in this moment that is just too good to be true. I wish I could live this day over and over again.

I wish I could watch my ass in the mirror and look at it day after day.

I wish I could join in, you know, to feel the pain I feel, to feel the pain of the other."

"Shall we?"

"You may. I will not say that I will forever be your companion. But I will say that I will do what I can."

I watched the video again. It was a clip of one of my own. My cock was gone, and I was that boy's sister. I was going to do what I could to gain my brother's consent to have sex with me.

"I'm sorry, I thought you were going to be my friend," I said. "I thought you were going to help me get through this."

"But I have to tell you this," he said. "I do not wish to have sex with you. I do not wish to be your friend. Do you believe that I want to be your friend?"

I wish I could freeze time, in this moment that is just too good to be true. I wish I could live this day over and over again. I wish I could forget who I am.

I wish that I could see my mother for the first time in my life. I wish that I could stay over at the house where she used to live when she was a child, but I'm afraid that we'll never find each other.

I wish that I could have a beautiful night in the city. I wish that I could leave soon, but I haven't thought about it in a long time.

I wish that I could grow up and see my future. I wish that I could have a lovely, happy life.

I am so glad that I'd known that was the way things would turn out.

I am so glad that we'd never have this conversation.

I am so glad that God has given me the little gift of human curiosity.

I am so glad that it's not too late for me to be happy.

I hope that I'll find some people out there who would like to have me.

I hope that I'll find some people who would like to be friends with me.

I hope that I'll find some people who would like to hear from me.

I would like to hear from you, if I could.

I wish I could freeze time, in this moment that is just too good to be true. I wish I could live this day over and over again.

This is the dream of a man, a man of God, who has been convicted of the crime of murder on this earth.

He has been sent forth like a lamb for the purpose of a burned offering.

The bonds have been torn up by the chains of his conscience.

He has been condemned to death by the hand of the law.

The chains and the death penalty have been put upon him from his birth until now.

But there is something in this that makes it more than a dream.

It is a dream; it is a waking thought. It is a dream that I have had of that room where I lay the last of the dead.

It is a dream that I have dreamed of once, when I was a boy.

It is a dream that I now have, a dream that I have dreamt of so often that I sometimes forget it.

It is a dream that I have dreamt of, as I have dreamed of every day since I have been here.

It is a dream that I have dreamed of in the morning.

It is a dream that I have dreamt of in the evening.

It is a dream that I am dreaming of this very moment.

I wish I could freeze time, in this moment that is just too good to be true. I wish I could live this day over and over again.

There are only two ways to get out of this. Either I can change the way I look at it. Or I can change the way I live. And I don't want to live this day over and over again. I want to live it over and over again, and I don't know if it's possible. I know that the only way is to live again, to make a fresh start.

It is a clean slate.

I have been thinking about this, and I want to write it down. It shouldn't be too long before it comes to me.

I have been thinking about it a lot lately. I have been reading the papers. I have been listening to television.

In all my travels, I never saw anything like it. I have never seen anything like the madmen and crazies of this world who passed through that town of eight thousand people.

It was a place of madness and crime, and of terror and murder.

I have never seen anything like it.

It was a place of the old order, where the old rules were respected, where the old order was respected. But the old order here was not the old order, and it was not the old order here when I lived in Chicago.

I wish I could freeze time, in this moment that is just too good to be true. I wish I could live this day over and over again. I wish I could have a secret room at the end of my road, in which I would make myself satisfied and forget what I know."

"The great thing about this place is that I have no friends," she said, "but I'm sure that I'll find them."

"I could never have found them," I said. "I was always the one who wanted to keep away."

"But you must not let your life pass without warning," she said. "I know that you will not be able to resist my advances. You must feel I cannot be very persuasive. But you must be in the right."

"I am," I replied. "I will go on my journey, and if I find you another body, I will become your prisoner."

"I can't send my wife away without warning you," she said. "I have always kept her in a close embrace. She would probably find my life quite intolerable if I went away. I feel guilty if I should ever leave her."

"I would not say that I am in a state of guilt, but I have always felt that my conscience was rather cruel to me, and I have made my conscience good by making my wife my prisoner. I don't know how long I have lived without my wife."

I wish I could freeze time, in this moment that is just too good to be true. I wish I could live this day over and over again. I wish I could have a sense of humor. I wish I could travel to new places where there was never a question of what I was doing. I wish I could have a vision of where I could be, or what I could be, if I chose to accept this as my destiny.

But I cannot. And yet the pain of this day is gone from my soul, and I am able to continue to live. I am still, as you may know, a friend, a rival, a rival's friend.

It is a fact that I have paid the price for my own selfishness in the first place. By the time I entered the Hall of Fame in 1959, it had become clear to me that my life was more important to me than anything I had ever been able to accomplish. And while the other players in my class have gone on with their lives, I have shown the way.

I have often wondered why I did not adopt the path that I am now following. It is a question that has haunted me ever since my first goal made its appearance in the spring of 1959.

I am not sure that I could have chosen a better path. It is not easy, but it is the right path. It is a path that I would have followed, had I been honest with myself and with my fellow players. It is the path that I will follow whenever I can.

I wish I could freeze time, in this moment that is just too good to be true. I wish I could live this day over and over again. I wish I could watch every moment of the past and the future as I feel them. I wish I could watch the details of every moment of my life unfold in front of my eyes in my mind. But I can't.

The wind is blowing. I've just been down to the beach. I've gone out on a walk to see the stars. I've climbed some stairs to get to the ground floor. I've been thinking about the life I've led, and how I've had to come out of my shell and live it without a mask, with no regrets, no regrets, no regrets. I've been looking at the many things I've put into my life, and how I've had to keep them all under control, able to step outside my routine and allow them to take their course.

And then there was the snow.

The wind was blowing.

I knew it would blow. I knew it would be heavy. I knew that it was going to be cold.

I stood up and turned to the sky.

The snow was gone by the time I got up, and the snow was gone by the time I got to the ground floor. And now, I stood and stared down at the snow, the snow on my face, and the snow on the ground. It was black with snow. I knew that it was coming, but I didn't know when.